_________________________________________ .-. _ .-. / \ | _____ | . o O| NO MORE B0G FOR YOU, NEXT!!! | ( @ @ ) \________________________________________ / \ / \ --- / | | --- --- | i i | b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! TH4 4PR1L 1SSU3 – 1SSU3 XI ! 1N Y00R F4C3! PH33RN4T10N! b0g b0g!# !b0 b0 #@! b0g!# #@! b0g !b0g!#@ !b0 b0 #@ @!b0g!#@ #@! b0g @!b0g!#@! !b0 !b0 #@ #@! #@! #@! b0g @! @!b !#@! !b0 #@!b0g!#@!b !#@ 0 @!b #@! b0g #@!b #@!b #@! !#@!b0g! !b0 !#@!b0g!#@!b !# b0g!#@!b #@! b0g!#@!b0 #@!b #@! g!#@!b0g! !b0 !#@!b0g!#@!b g!# !b0g!#@ b0 #@! b0g!#@!b0g #@!b #@! 0g!# b0g! !b0 !b !# g! @!b !#@ b0 #@! b0g !b0g #@!b #@! 0g!# b0g! !b0 @!b !# g! @!b !#@ b0 #@! b0g !b0g #@!b #@! 0g! b0g! !b0 @!b !# g! @!b !#@ b0 #@! b0g !b0g #@!b #@! 0g! b0g! !b0 !#@!b0g!#@! g! @!b !#@ b0 #@! b0g !b0g #@!b #@! 0g! b0g! !b !#@!b0g!#@! g! @!b !#@ b0 #@ b0g !b0g #@!b #@! 0g!# !b0g! @! g! g!# !b0g!#@!b0 b0g!#@!b #@!b0g!#@! g!#@!b0g! !b0 #@! g! !# !b0g!#@!b #@! b0g!#@!b @!b0g!#@ g!#@!b0g! !b0 #@! 0g! !#@ b0 !#@!b #@! 0g!#@! !b0g!# !#@ b0g! !b0 #@ 0g #@! #@! b0g! !b0g!#@! g!#@!b0g b0g!#@ g!#@!b0 g!#@!b b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ Table of Content! [b0g-11.txt] [ 0:. - [ ] :. ] [ 1:. - [ how to fuck up the world ] [some aol’er on drugs] :. ] [ 2:. - [ My Afternoon As Tom Cruise ] [reverend] :. ] [ 3:. - [ advertising b0g ] [b0ils n xhaze] :. ] [ 4:. - [ Crypto For Newbies ] [b0iler] :. ] [ 5:. - [ how to create a cheap gravity bong ] [ford perfect] :. ] [ 6:. - [ being leet with BitchX ] [herk] :. ] [ 7:. - [ Hacking Techniques: bouncing the attack ] [b0iler] :. ] [ 8:. - [ how to pick up chicks ] [sbc] :. ] [ 9:. - [ how to create a hax0rmobile ] [tak] :. ] [10:. - [ hax0ring your registry ] [monkey zee] :. ] [11:. - [ Re Re: How To Mack Da Bitchez ] [xhaze] :. ] [12:. - [ ninja-lessons in php ] [tak] :. ] [13:. - [ fun stuff for the office worker ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [14:. - [ how to stop masturbating ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [15:. - [ Ugly Chick's Guide To Getting A Man ] [begezze] :. ] [16:. - [ how to phone in a pizza order ] [pizzaman] :. ] [17:. - [ bob’s guide to fun sexlike stuff ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [18:. - [ a comprehensive essay – furniture sex ] [sonik] :. ] [19:. - [ b0ils guide to the German language ] [b0ils] :. ] [20:. - [ IRC Quotes ] [k-rad-bob] :. ] [ ] ____________________________________________________________________ Official b0g site: http://www.b0g.org – cleaner crispier crunchier Official b0g email to send your articles to: b0g@b0g.org Official irc channel: #b0g on us.undernet.org Official b0g bunny of the month: Nique Official b0g hunk of the month: Tress Official b0g wannabees of the month: Forbidden knowledge Music enjoyed while haxing this issue: Mindset – bullet for cinderella The dismemberment plan – emergency and i Dave matthews band – live at red rock Dillinger escape plan – calculating infinity b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! On with tha show!@ ____________________________________________________________________ [ 1:. - [ how to fuck up the world ] [some aol’er on drugs] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ When your like me and get bored eassily its veryt hard to keep fuctiong the way your parents expet you to. I would go out with Killer Kurt all the time and destroy evrything we coiuld find that looked stupid,get drunk off my ass,trip on acid(like im doing righ now),use the necronimiconm to summon a watcher to kill my teachewrs my douchbag bratty sister and the fat sickining son of a bitch that lives next door to me,and my parents would very rarely do anything to try to stop me. i gues they just thought i was goin throuhg a phase or sometihg like that. We ll I finalyl hit upon the perfect combination of things to do that not only get your parents to reac, the are a hell of a lot of fun and cause so much evil, chaos, and havoc that Satan will be sure to reservbe a good seat in Hell for you. So now Here are step by stpe instructins on HOW TO FUCK UP THE WORLD Step one:Get.a large supply fo plastics garbage bags, gas or other very flammablle shit,and a flamsthrower or somet other way to light fires from a distance (just to make sure you dont die yourself before your ready).Also i forgot to mention,take a good amount of drugs befoere you start doin this so youll be able to finish what you start.I reccommend about three hits of blotter acid (4way album cover is best,thats what i use),about 2 grams of weed (smoked),some mescaline if you can get it (arizona is a great place to pick it yourself),and of course the good old american tradition of JACK DANIELS. Most people mix this with coke but I have invented a new way to do it,which ya do by mixing it with JOLT cola instead. tHIS (godamn fuckin caps lock key) will get you really goin, you may want to use some speed as well so you dont pass out and some ludes or other type of downer just to keep you balancd well. now make sure you can still stand up (once you get that far the rest will come naturaly) and get in yer pickup (if you dont have a pickup there is no hope for ya!) and drive. Oh remember to take the gas, bags, and light with you. Step two: Drive to a secluded area and preparew for your assault on the armies of the conformist bastards. What your gonna be doin here is summoning a demon. This is one of the waeker types according to the Necromnicon so you can control it easily in your druged state but powerful enouhg to actually be of use to ya. So draw yer pentagram on the ground,get a Slayer tapepl aying (no motley crue!!! or the demon will laugh its ass off at you before killing you and eating your soul. Adn thats a big waste of time not to mention no fun at all.) set candles at all cardinal points and cut a long incision down the lenght of your arm about frmo mid-bicep to just before your wrist as you dont want to bleed to death,just enough to get about 3/4 of a pint or so. Drip all this blood inside the pent.,and chant the following: "YOGGIH PPEDRILS, STOWART EHNTAHL SHILGLI DRAGGULS UOHT!" Say this5 times and you shoukld noteice the candles flikckering (hmm i blieve the rrUSH is starting to come on nwo, this sucker relly was worht 40 a sheet!!)! By the way that shit up there that ya say is not nay kind of backjwards bullshit, it is the real stuff. I paid 40 bux for my copy of the youknowwhat so i oughtta know. now where was i o yeah. Onece the damn thing appears thjen you gotta establish control over it real qiock before it start getting any ideas. by the way in caser you wodering what it will look like it is a big motherfucker approx. 20 feeet tall with green leathery sking. If you get the wrong one it doesnt really matter that much anywayt since youll be dyin soon but it helps. so now get it to fly along above yer truck (tell it to be invisible so ya dont have peopl starin at ya!) and drive back to whereever it is that your gonna destroy. Step three: stop back at yer house wreal quick and pick up the follwng. If you dont have all this at house then just go by a hardware storte and a drugstore and picjk it up. if the owner objkects then just take out his kneecaps with your crowbar and he wont be goin anywhere for a long time. 30 dozen hammers 50 gallons of paint (asorted colors is nice but not necesary) (jesus this is weird, have any of you ever seen ther letters on yer screen wiggl ing and boucing didnt think so!!) now where was i/ 5-10 tanks of propane 100+ gallons of gas (for a seperate use than the gas i alreadyu mentiond) from the drugstore,or your closet if your like me and keep a constant supply of every kind of drug ever made): 1,000 doses of pseudoephedrine (there we go,i spelled it right! well ive got the catalog next to me so fuck it anyway,it doesnt mean shit.neuither does your mama. i think im getting off track - wel then again it is kind og amazing cause my ingers are twichin so bad) 5,000 doses of LSD 250 doses of qualudes 600 cases of JACK DANIELS ok now for the good part. Consume all of these yourself! HAAHAHA! i bet you thou ght you were suposed to put them in the citys water supply or soething! but now you better get moving cause this is all gonna take effect within the hour! but if ya wanna save some to put in the citywater then go ahead,you wont have quite as much fun but who the fuck am i to tell you exactly how to do things. Step four: Drive to the heart of the city. on the way see how many little old ladies and fag poodles ya can hit. When ya get to the talest building in town smash into a fire hydrant in front of it. now get out and run like a bitch *just have the demon carry all the shit for ya*! and go to the FUCKEN TOP of the building. here is where you do all this. Make the demon inhale all the propane, and give him the smaler amount of gas (the one I talked about first..go back about 70 lins or so./) to drionk. Now hes all set. now YOU have to get on his back. make him carry the hammers and paint and the largetr amount of gas. Have him take off and fly all over the city aas he flys just throw hammers down at building windows and people and paint at both of those too! Now i bet you thinking i forgot all about those garbage bags and the flamethrowr. Hell no i didnt! with the little bit of propane hes got left have him blow up the bags so they make a giant baloon. now you take the big amount of gas and drink it (after all those other drugs it should be a smnap!) and jump. With your weight off him and all that propane in him and with that baloon he will instantly take off straight up into heaven, where he will cause some wicked shit to happen! As for you, you will fly down and hit the ground, and be goin so fast that you go right through all the way to Hell. Once you get there all the gas in you will ingite and BOOM! Satan will be proud of you for sure! a perfect ending to a perfect day! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! "I promise you a police car on every sidewalk." "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate." "The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist." -Mayor Marion Berry. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 2:. - [ My Afternoon As Tom Cruise ] [reverend] :. ] [jlabarge@rebel-alliance.net] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ 03/08/02 I won't bother telling you how it happened, but sometime late last week I found myself, er, "borrowing" an AOL Instant Messenger account reported to have at one time belonged to actor Tom Cruise. Personally, I find it a little hard to believe that Tom Cruise ever owned, operated or even knew of the account, but I suppose I'm not nearly as gullible as your average Internet user since, despite it's questionable origins, the name managed to make it's way onto a dozen or so "Celebrity Screen Name" websites and, oh, let's say a couple thousand buddy lists. So, sick of being pestered about new IM Funnies, I decided to see what fun I could have being Tom Cruise for one lazy afternoon. The results were, uh, pretty disappointing actually. Turns out it's pretty hard to improvise gags when, at any given moment, 30 people are messaging you with the same dumb bullshit. Most of time I just end up trying to be as offensive as possible, which is a pretty lame cop-out. Note: Screen names have been censored in order to protect the innocent. I know it sounds kind of silly, but not only would giving away the screen names of these people jeopardize the existence of the faux Tom Cruise, but it could potentially destroy some of these people. Seriously, as sad as it is, the defining moment in the empty, pathetic lives of these saps may very well have been the time they spoke to "Tom Cruise" on AOL Instant Messenger. Also, the last thing I need is a repeat of the Love@AOL personals fiasco where some douche bag ruined all of our fun because I made fun of Nay. By the way, if you want to ever thank that kid by annoying him into submission, his e-mail address is BugGuy0932@aol.com. t************I: hello A********r: Hi. t************I: im brian....whats ur name? A********r: Tom. t************I: hi tom......where ya from? A********r: California. t************I: ah, great place t************I: im a big fan of your work.....especially Top Gun A********r: Thanks. t************I: can i ask you a question? A********r: Shoot. t************I: see, im one of your biggest fans..... t************I: and if you are who you say you are, can you prove it? A********r: Depends what sort of proof you need. t************I: what was your birth name? A********r: Rudiger. t************I: and what did your mom do for a career? A********r: American Gladiator. t************I: thats what i thought......... t************I: an i ask you something else? A********r: Sure. t************I: why would you lie about being somebody else? A********r: I would never dream of doing such a thing! t************I: funny funny funny....youve got a lot of people fooled into thinking you're tom cruise t************I: dont worry, im not gonna tell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- g***********2: who warned u? A********r: I'm not sure. A********r: Probably some stupid nigger. g***********2: o...k... A********r: Or a dirty faggot. What am I, Kreskin? g***********2: okay, whatever g***********2: just wondering. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- C************t: This is C******** D***** E************ in Florida... trying to go over the details of the autograph signing down here in April... A********r: I don't know anything about any autograph signing in April. A********r: Who did you talk to? C************t: Jeff Stevens with William Morris A********r: Oh yeah, Jeff. He's a real ass commander. He never tells me anything. A********r: Anyway, listen, I'm not going to be able to make that one. There are WAY too many Mexicans in Florida for my tastes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- s************0: hey A********r: Hello. s************0: how r u A********r: Good. s************0: u going to carmen electras party in may A********r: Nope. s************0: y not s************0: why not s************0: ? A********r: I never received an invite. s************0: she said she sent you and invitation A********r: Well, I never got it. s************0: I'll tell her to send another A********r: Thanks. I appreciate it. s************0: Can I ask you something alittle personal? A********r: Sure. s************0: What happen with you and Nicole? A********r: C'mon, I can't really talk about that. I'm sure you understand. s************0: Yeah. I do. Sorry for asking -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- E**************c: hi A********r: Hi. E**************c: Is this Tom? A********r: Sure. E**************c: ya well i am Amanda Bynes A********r: Hi Amanda. E**************c: Do you know who i am? A********r: I'm sorry, I don't. E**************c: Amanda Bynes, i am on the Amanda Show A********r: Oh yeah? My kids watch the Amanda Show all the time. It's one of their favorites. But how do I know you're who you say you are? E**************c: how do i know your who u say u r? A********r: I asked first. E**************c: I guess i can call you later? A********r: How'd you get my phone number? E**************c: you would give it to me A********r: That's shady. E**************c: how so? A********r: I can't just go around, giving people my phone number. E**************c: i cant give them mine either -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- K********0: it is so hard to find a job right now A********r: So I hear. K********0: most places say wait until the summer, fall, or NEXT YEAR K********0: that doesn't help pay the bills K********0: especially since my roommate and I have a new "problem" to take care of, as he calls it K********0: I'm pregnant, about 3 months A********r: Oh boy. K********0: weird b/c i would have never guessed K********0: but he is pre-med sort-of so he would now the signs quicker K********0: My friend thinks it will be a boy b/c I am already carrying low A********r: So I take it this is not a planned pregnancy? K********0: nope K********0: i'm thinking, although i definitely don't want to, I might have to give it up for adoption K********0: i don't believe in abortion, so I might do an open adoption K********0: The baby will certainly have some problems though, both me and the dad were born with holes in our hearts K********0: and I have asthma (sometimes) and diabetes A********r: I'm sorry to hear that. K********0: well, i am border-line, but it runs in the family K********0: no problem, i've been sick most of my life, I'm use to it K********0: the baby has other problems, he will be like Lou Diamond Phillips, Asian- Scottish-Spanish A********r: You know, during my down time, I perform abortions free of charge and as a service to my fans. K********0: but I am not up for abortions K********0: besides I am in Orlando K********0: and I don't know where u are A********r: Well, keep me in mind. K********0: more curiousity, what is your fav movie? A********r: Ever see "Kentucky Fried Movie"? K********0: nope K********0: never heard of it either A********r: You should check it out. It's an incredible piece of cinema. K********0: when i get the money i probably will A********r: I highly recommend it. K********0: what else do you like? A********r: "Amazon Women on the Moon" K********0: what genre do these videos fall under? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- T**********3: hi again A********r: Hi. T**********3: so wats up? A********r: Not too much. I've been burning the hair off of my balls with a lighter for about a half an hour now. A********r: How about you? T**********3: boy ur sick T**********3: ur not Tom Cruise, are you? T**********3: ? A********r: Maybe. T**********3: ur not, or else u wud have security on ur SN and u wudnt say gross things like what u just said. A********r: I don't have any type "security" because I actually enjoy talking to my fans. T**********3: do u like telling them what u told me too? A********r: Sometimes, you know, just to mess with their heads. T**********3: well its not cool T**********3: ur movie MI:2 sucked dude -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- B************0: hey man A********r: Hi. B************0: yer tom cruise arent u A********r: Yes. B************0: awsome i cant believe you actually talked B************0: all the other celebs ignore fans A********r: Not me. I try to be a little more personal. B************0: yeh i can understand A********r: Take 'em out back behind the toolshed and give them a good assblasting. A********r: Things other actors won't do. A********r: Because they're too high and mighty or whatever. B************0: huh B************0: what do you meen ass blasting A********r: You know.. a good, old fashioned, hardcore assblasting. B************0: no offense but are you gay A********r: Only when I'm drunk. A********r: Which is actually quite often. B************0: haha B************0: this aint tom cruise is it A********r: You don't believe me? B************0: well i donna it just doesnt seem like a famous guy like tom cruise would say these things A********r: It's OK to say all of these things because I'm on drugs. B************0: ok let me just say that whoever you are you dont have much of a life to go around and imposter people like that.. hopefully yer ass will end up in jail fucker -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- S*********0: hey A********r: Hi. S*********0: how are you? S*********0: ? A********r: Good. How are you? S*********0: Good too S*********0: Just to make sure, this is Tom right? A********r: Yes. S*********0: ok S*********0: so whats new? A********r: Quite a lot. I've been very busy lately. S*********0: with anything exciting lately? A********r: Nothing too exciting. S*********0: oh ok S*********0: so what are your plans for this weekend? A********r: Listen, I don't have the time to screw around. Are you going to send me titty pictures or what? S*********0: what? A********r: That's usually how it works. S*********0: who is this? A********r: Girls say "Ooh ooh Tom I love you blah blah blah you are so hot blah blah blah here is a picture of my tits" A********r: And then I say "Oh hey thanks blah blah blah these are fantastic blah blah blah they look very natural" S*********0: Tom who? A********r: TOM CRUISE, YOU ASS. S*********0: yea right S*********0: cuz he prob. aint as much of a jerk as ur being now S*********0: ur such a lier A********r: Are you going to send me the pictures or what? S*********0: no u aint seein anything u pervert S*********0: now u'll have a bad rep as tho u already dont A********r: Oh, like I give a shit about my "rep". I still make movies. What do you do? JACK SHIT. S*********0: whatever u know ur a lier and u aint no tom cruise so just give it up u little pussy A********r: Eat an ass sandwich you douchebag. S*********0: ahh now shut the hell up -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I**************S: TOM WHO IS WARNING YOU? A********r: I'm not entirely sure. I**************S: It dosen't say? I**************S: That isn't cool A********r: Nope. I**************S: Im Nick by the way I**************S: I hope you find out who is doing it A********r: Me too. A********r: I'll rape them. I**************S: that sounds nice I**************S: LOL I**************S: You should be careful who you talk to I**************S: I had Micheal Keaton warn me A********r: Who cares? Michael Keaton is a washed up faggot. I**************S: Yes he is I**************S: and this cannot be Tom Cruise A********r: If you say so. I**************S: who ever this is, it is kinda cool that you have the whole world believing it is I**************S: and if it is Tom than you have got to be the most down to earth celeb EVER! A********r: Thanks. I**************S: you should come to NY soon I**************S: I am hoping to see Nelly Furtado on Monday I**************S: they are still warning you! I**************S: whomever else you are talking to is warning you A********r: They're going to get a royal ass fisting. I**************S: i have a small screensaver i made, it has a caracature of you in it I**************S: would you like to see it? A********r: Not really, no. I**************S: ill just connect and send it to you, it was a lot of work, and it has some nudity of other celebs in it I**************S wants to directly connect. A********r declines request; no connection was made. I**************S: ok I**************S: than i won't send it to you -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- S*************2: Hey. Why are you being warned so much "Tom Cruise?" or not Tom Cruise as the case may be? A********r: I'm not sure. S*************2: I will find out if your real or not.....*evil laughter* A********r: If I sent you a picture of my erect cock, then would you believe me? S*************2: That's the thing there's nothing to believe....you won't tell me if you ARE real. And no, to be honest, i dont think that would help. And would Penelope really like it? A********r: What she doesn't know won't kill her. S*************2: So you are real............. S*************2: and remember........curiosity killed the cat.... A********r: And that nosy fucker that kept snooping around in my garbage. S*************2: I'll take your word for it. How come you've been online so long? A********r: alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fisting S*************2: Do you ever say anything decent? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- H***** ********5: Listen here. H***** ********5: You worthless mongruel H***** ********5: i know where you live. A********r: Where's that? H***** ********5: Does the letter D sound familiar? A********r: Not really, no. H***** ********5: Good because it shouldent. H***** ********5: Now that i have esatblishe dthat. A********r: You sure are crafty. H***** ********5: Yes i know. A********r: Listen, I'll give you whatever you want. Just stay away from me, OK? H***** ********5: Ok. H***** ********5: Wouldent think you would brake that easily. A********r: Maybe I haven't. Maybe I'm just playing games.. MIND GAMES! H***** ********5: Maybe not! H***** ********5: Fool. A little later.. H***** ********5: Well well well. A********r: Look who it is! My arch nemesis! H***** ********5: Looks like i just got my port scanner updated how about i delete C:/ windows? A********r: How about I slit your throat and choke you with your own tongue? H***** ********5: Try it H***** ********5: kind of hard over the net isnt it? A********r: You got me there. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- x*************X: is this tom cruise A********r: I don't know. x*************X: u dont know? x*************X: ok x*************X: 4 real r u A********r: Possibly. A********r: Maybe. A********r: Who is this anyway? A********r: Nicole? A********r: Penelope? x*************X: no x*************X: a fan x*************X: lol thats wat u prob want to hear rite now x*************X: a fan A********r: It's alright. I like my fans. x*************X: cool x*************X: i think your hott but u need to cut your hair x*************X: my opinion A********r: I have an appointment for later on today actually. x*************X: lol u do? x*************X: im from brooklyn ny A********r: Yes. I'm getting a "mullet" for this new film I'm working on. It's about a NASCAR fan that travels back in time to prevent the death of Dale Earnhardt, an event he discovers was actually carefully orchestrated by Nazi zombies. Shit, I hope I didn't give away the ending. x*************X: wats a mullet? x*************X: i didnt get a chance to see that movie u were in wit cameron diaz x*************X: i heard it was krazy x*************X: ooo A********r: A "mullet" is short on the top and long in the back. Also known as a Dover Mudflap, Camaro Cut, Soccer Rocker, Ape Drape, Schlong, etc. x*************X: brb\ x*************X: ooo like billy ray cyrus x*************X: lol A********r: Right. A********r: Like Billy Ray Cyrus. x*************X: actually im into acting x*************X: comedy A********r: Oh yeah? What movies have you been in? x*************X: school plays x*************X: im 17 x*************X: i put on shows n make ppl laugh A********r: What kind of comedy? Do you fall down and shit? A********r: Do stupid dances? Shoot ping pong balls out of your ass? x*************X: all my friends think im hellarious i like to do that krazy shit like on jackass x*************X: yea like stupid stuff and they think its funny x*************X: like impersonating ppl x*************X: when did u start acting? A********r: 14. x*************X: oh x*************X: cool x*************X: as soon as i saw jackass i was like dam i want to be on that show lol A********r: What would you do? Would you let them set your tits on fire? x*************X: lol noooo x*************X: i would like bother ppl and annoy then and do stupid stunts A********r: Yeah. That's probably much safer. x*************X: yea x*************X: its fun -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- D******9: nice profile....hey wanna chat? A********r: Nope. D******9: ok sorry! A********r: Fuck off. D******9: omg D******9: why? A********r: Sorry. I thought you were someone else. D******9: oh thats ok! so any projects right now? A********r: None at the moment, thankfully. D******9: yeah, have u ever taken a naked photo shoot?..ive seen pics and im wondering if they are real A********r: Never. D******9: hmm they are probably fakes A********r: Definitely. D******9: wut do you usually do online? A********r: Check e-mail. D******9: kool kool D******9: are u sexually attracted to men? A********r: Listen, it's not gay if you wear a condom. D******9: yeah....hey penelope is a dog man A********r: Yeah but that ass.. you could bounce a quarter off that ass. D******9: haha D******9: aight eat shit fucker D******9: bye b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! %%%%%% %%%% = = %%C > _)' _( .' , __/ |_/\ " *. o /` \_\ \/ %`= '_ . / ) \/| .^',*. , /' /- o/ - b0g _ /\_/ < = , ^ ~ . )_o|----'| .` ' ___// (_ - (\ ///-( \' \\ b'ger b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 3:. - [ advertising b0g ] [b0ils n xhaze] :. ] [gimps@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Awhile ago bob posted something on the site (b0g.org) in the nature of some crappy site getting free advertising by having fans make signs and go to wrestling matches and holding them up. Of course he cried about his site not getting free advertising and threatened to close the site down if he didn't get his way. The little baby wanted b0g fans to bring b0g signs to wrestling matches and try to get them on the air ... or some stupid shit like that. However completely insane this idea was, it got me thinking about some more logical ways for b0g readers to spread the word, actually b0g is a noun, to be exact it's a acronym. I mean come on bob, who watches wrestling? Unemployed b0g readers, that's who. And if they are already b0g readers why in hell would you need to advertise to them? This is where I come in, I will now be fully in charge of all of b0g's advertising research and development for the next financial year. With the demographic information I have collected on b0g readers over the last 15 minutes, my guess is that they are not in these 3 specific categories: Extremely rich people with time and money to burn - ages 43 to 45. Poor Mexicans who can't read well and speak broken English. And ninjas. We start our advertising campaign off by going after the rich people. To do this we will try to make the most gawd awful signs and flash animation possible. This serves two very beneficial purposes. one) rich people are used to nice things and will have their attention grabbed by things that are not so pleasant. This means doing things like sneaking into mansions and writing b0g in your own faeces on the bathroom walls. Everyone needs to use the bathroom sooner or later, besides odin who finds it more convenient to just shit on his friends. So when MR. Richy Rich comes in to wash his hands after touching the tv remote control he will see b0g written there on the wall in solid brown human dung. This should get his attention, it should work so well that he will probably be curious who/what b0g is and will try to find out and locate it/them. He may even call the police to find out, in which case this is helpping to promote the zine by word of mouth. If the police come to your house looking for b0g, just tell them it's online at www.b0g.org. If they think you are joking with them and put you in handcuffs that is ok.. you might get in the local newspaper and get b0g some MORE FREE ADVERTISING! Also, I heard from odin that the people in jail are very kind and help you clean your colon almost everyday. Huh? What? You saying something? Oh yeah.. the second reason we are using horrible advertising to target extremely rich people is that extremely rich people use the internet. This is because they can't be arsed to walk all the way down 3 flights of stairs to read the news paper. So they go online with aol instead to find out what's happening and if they've got mail. Everyone on the internet is rich, everyone on the internet is smart, everyone on the internet likes spam. Perfect! I've already got some mailers set up to spam aol accounts, so we should have a billion or so new b0g readers when we send out that "AOL has 3 letters, so does B0G. Check out the site if you don't believe me!" spam. We can include facts in the spam to help convince people to read b0g. Stats like "thousands of b0g readers have read b0g and not a single one has complained to me personally and told me that b0g sucks and is a waste of bandwidth, besides bob, who doesn't read the articles he puts in b0g anyways." and "little betty blue, will blow your horn, click this link, for some really good porn". Now for the webpage front of our advertising campaign. From what I hear www.dowjones.com is a popular site for rich people, and since advertising on webpages is COMPLETELY FREE we can really reap the benefits of rich people who gain alot of money on investments and donate it all to b0g! I think it's free anyways. Another good thing about web based advertising is that once a rich person has gotten hooked they can't stop and will spend all their money to get more and b0g. Ok, maybe that was crystal meth I am thinking of :\ Besides the internet what else do rich people do? That's right, they watch polo. I've sent grphish out to find some wild horses, so hopefully #b0g can get enough people to start an all b0g polo league. And with this elite league of poloers we will brain wash the on looking rich by only wearing b0g brand cloths and riding on custom b0g sattles. It just so happens that nique can sew!!! She hasn't agreed to it yet, but she's going to make around 15,000 b0g polo shirts and 1,000 b0g sattles, give or take a few dozen. I propose the shirts look something like this: [------------ ------------] [------------ ------------] | \___/ | or maybe | \___/ | | | | || __ | [______ __ ______] [______ ||__ / \ __ ______] | ( ) | || )| | / | | | d__|__b | ||__/ | || | | | | | | \__/\_ | | | | / | Phyrewyre suggested |POLO __/ / | | |/ | this unique design: | \__/ | | / \ | | we're hung | | / \ | [------------ ------------] | better than | | 3 thumbs up!@#| |#$!$!%%#$^%^\___/@#$!@%&$&&@2| | the horses!@# | ----------------- |&*(%^@$!$#&^*&(^(@%^#$%!@@#&#| ----------------- [(^&&&*&$$%!@!@!(!%!@&(@#$~~!$] |*)$#%^$#!^$^%@#| |JAJAJAJAJJAJAJA| |JAJAHAHAHAKAAJA| |SLOBBERGOAT!#@%| |HAHAJAJAJAJAHAR| |FUCKWIT!#JAJJJA| |@#!$!@%@#%&%&@@| |@#%$#^%@#^@#@@$| ----------------- Phase 2, the mexician population: Getting all of mexico now while it's population is under 10billion is a key goal for b0g. This is because the trend of people in mexico to repopulate so fast that it's population doubles around ever 6 months. If we can get them all reading b0g now our readership numbers will sky rocket in 4 - 5 years. With the rich on our side the poor will soon follow. Most of the poor will anyways, but those poor mexicians which cannot read or speak English will have problems understanding all the buzz going on about b0g. So we need to help them out, since to actually be counted as a b0g reader you need to be able to read English. You may say they are lost causes. I on the other hand don't give up so easily. I think with some teamwork and a positive attitude you can teach the mexicians how to read and write. Me and xhaze have already visited mexico to do a trial class on English and American culture. This will get them to both read b0g and understand it's jokes. Here is a short snipplet of our class: xhaze "hello punta, I am your new owner and you will bow down to me and suck my tallywhacker and ride in my bang bus and give me money and call me el gigantisorcock" mexican "el puntas es tu momma, haha" b0iler "a is for apple, b is for b0g" mexican "I can speak English fine." xhaze "English.. speak English you stupid fuck." mexican "I am. Infact I can speak 4 other languages. Would you rather I spoke dutch?" xhaze "a is for apple.. aaappppllleee. b is for b0g.. bbbbbbbbbb0000000000gggggggg" b0iler "A APPLE! B B0G! b0gb0gb0gb0gb0gb0gb0gb0g!!!! Why won't you learn!!@#$!#@$" After about 17 hours of torturous vodka drinking and playing throw the spitballs at the one who can't speak english. We got him to finally speak some English. Although it still sounded mexician to xhaze I did understand a few bits and pieces. I think we taught this young mexician girl how to speak English well enough to say b0g. Job done, time to go home. But as we were going home xhaze promised the girl that if she came with him back to the states she wouldn't have to sleep on rat shit and eat cardboard anymore. She clang onto his back like a packet kiddie to a OC line. Finally, we proceed to our last target group: ninjas. While ninjas are not the most numerous group of people, they are the coolest. And they are always patient and willing to learn. They can become superb wrestlers, and will kick the shit out of anyone who refuses to read b0g. Also, if we don't get them, el8 will!! So how do we track ninjas down and teach them the ways of the b0g? I mean, many of them don't even know what a computer is, let along know how to hack the planet. My idea was to set up what is known in the computer security world as a honey pot and just sit back and wait for the ninjas to come to me. I got tak to set up a nice sub domain for me at b0iler.cisconinja.net where I will lure the ninjas in by allowing them to try and sneak in undetected. While they think they are a smooth criminal I am actually watching their every move, and sooner or later I will trap them in a chroot jail and confront them. OH! There's a ninja now, lets have a look: r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> HIYA! bash: HIYA!: command not found r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> opensaysme bash: opensaysme: command not found r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> w00t! bash: w00t!: command not found r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> tcsh /bin> opensaysme opensaysme: Command not found. /bin> ash $ opensaysme opensaysme: not found $ exit /bin> exit r00t@notahoneypot:/bin> exit as we can see the ninja is so sophisticated it knows commands the shell doesn't. I decided that no honey pot would ever be able to catch a true ninja. So instead I sent tress to go find one and challenge one to a fight to the death. Now that I actually think about it I don't know how we are going to get a dead ninja to read b0g, or how we are going to get b0g up without tress coding wsnm. Maybe it wasn't the best move, but at least we'll see a fight. Once he kills the ninja they will have a ninja funeral where the ninja mom and ninja dad will bury the ninja son. While this is happening me and tress will kidnap the 18 year old hot ninja chick and teach her how to swallow a sword. Once we have this fine, fine ninja chick all to our selves we are going to show her a computer and teacher her how to use one by relating it to ninjaism. First things first, the keyboard. Since a ninja is good at gaining physical access to things we decided to show her the art of hacking a keyboard in hopes that she will go around door to door and change people's homepage to b0g.org. So to introduce her to the keys we showed her a trick you can do to help promote b0g and be ninja eleet at the same time. This is to arrange the keys order to something like this: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ||b |||0 |||g ||| |||j |||u |||5 |||7 ||| |||0 |||w |||n |||e |||d || ||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|| |/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\| ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ||j |||0 |||0 |||r ||| |||k |||3 |||y |||b |||0 |||4 |||r |||d ||| || ||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|||__|| |/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\|/__\| and to always carry multiple 0 keys in your ninja pouch, because each keyboard requires an additional 4 to complete this task. After the secret key switching technique comes how to hit the enter key. Now most people hit the enter key like every other key, this is not acceptable for a ninja. Hitting the enter key like any other key is a sign to admins that you are entering a command, it is totally against the ninja ways to show any signs of an attack. Ninjas are quiet and undetectable, and so must be their enter key. So tress oiled the keyboard for ninjachick and showed her how to do the fatal carriage return attack. That is to scream HHHHIIIYYYAAA!!!! and slam down the enter key with so much force that it smashes the stack and gives root. Works every time. Next we must disable the computer so that the forensics team cannot find out any info about the break in. Instead of taking the computer or disposing of it we showed her how to chop the keyboard in half. This makes input impossible, since keyboards are so expensive not many admins will have an extra one they can just plug in to use. [Advertising b0g Part 2ew] From Muppets And Puppets To Rhyming Couplets While b0iler and eye were stoning up, getting high we started talking about advertising b0g. As you read above of b0il's plans you will also read below of eks's plans. Most of us eat, live and breathe b0g. Others of us b0g is a pastime for us, in between binge drinking and loads of max tripp0rs%#^ So either way advertising b0g. Educating the world on our policies of (enter the fuckers here.) Why? Because you're worth it. ............Sub Article Contents.............. [1] Muppets, Puppets and Other Fagity Animals. .............................................. [1] b0g can be spread through its entirety of children’s television shows. It doesn't matter how fucking ghey the program is or what its about, as kids will be mind-bent on watching it a kiddie drug if you must and not just because it has subliminal messages (like b0gs old layout h0h0$#@ unknownage ownage^$#) and not because of presenter odin's random bursts of dialog but because it will have the most elite fucking muppets/puppets/fagity animals. The show will mix max programs. 'Sooty and Sweep' + 'The Tweenies' + 'Blue's Clues'' + 'Basil Brush' = b0g (builders 0f [Enter good personality trait word starting with G]) Not only will this be a kid drug but it would also target the 20 year plus male group. All because of one co-host.... NIQUE :o~ ohhh yeah thats right people CO-HOST NIQUE!!!$@!$#@%$#. With her seksy hella revealing clothes (she'll be made to wear in the name of b0g >XD well actually because of producer eks and b0ils. h0h0 <3) Following is a small pilot of 'b0g' {Characters}....................{Roles Played}.............................................................................. . [Presenters] Odin ______________________Why? Because he's good with kids..... Nique ______________________She's hot, need eye say more? [Minions] Phyrewyre ______________________Owner of 'JaJa' and only one who can translate his language. K-rad-bob ______________________Dressed up in a big novelty south african tribesman costume, for two reasons. 1) Because he's ugly otherwise and will scare the kids 2) Its degrading for him and makes me and b0iler laugh%#@ bwahahaa..ha..haha... Camo ______________________Chinese kid who's always on his computer and tries to get it on with nique all the time. [Muppets/Puppets] Ninjette ______________________Small puppet with uber ninja stealth capabilites also being female h0h0 Dober Hun ______________________A small drug tripped monster that was an offspring of presenter Odin JaJa ______________________Orange fuzzy GeKKo_ that only speaks 'JAjajajAjaJA' and 'HacKAcaHavcKCAHacK' r00t ______________________Always steals camos' passwords' and fucks up his box. REPRESENTING ASCII b0g ŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻ Odin ^0_o^ Nique (.)(.) Camo <(-)_(-)> phyrewyre ‹^›(•¸•)‹^› k-rad-bob {{{{{{8-(|) 4_____4 .'´Ż´'. dober hun / Ġ Ġ \ ninjette %=======| \__-__/ |(-ŻŻ-)| {-----} `. * .’ ŻŻŻŻŻ `''` _____ µµµµµµ / o \ r00t ‹|(*)(*)|› | v^v^v -- JA jAJ aJAJAJ JAJA jaJAJA | 6 | \ _/ ħħħħħħħħ , | |___, | / |---, \\_/ / \_/|||| |||| |_|_> ..................................................................................... ........................................ [Intro - h4x4r! souped up real gay and happy like] ..................................................................................... ........................................ Odin: HUNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ :-******** <3 to aLL p4cket kiddies%%#@@%^ Nique: Thats right its another b0g. Daily for once and not 7 monthly (meanwhile k-rad-tribesman is running around everywhere in the background with his spear and pig under one arm) .4-. .-------.' ¤\_ _-Ż PIG9Y ` _| ---- Weee3Eee3EEeEeEee333eee333eeee ~o~\ ,..' \||_ü_ü_ü__\\/ || \\ || \\ Odin: T4P DAt BOOTY^# m4X Tripp0r h4rhh4rh4rh ANALA BEASTE$@# Nique: Oh look...here comes JaJa and Phyre!! Hello Phyre! Hello JaJA! JaJa: JaJAJAJjAjaJ HAckaJAkCAJChack Hack JA JAaja Phyrewyre: HoLA NIQUE JAJAAJja Sayz Ur BoobEEZ Are NIice Looking#@ And he Wants A Sandwich%$#@ (Nique goes and makes a sandwich while we see odin discreetly but obviously take more ACiD) Camo: STFU%#@ FAGIT PHYRE%#!@ dont talk to nala hun like that <3 nique <3 <3 <3 (Camo goes back to his porn doctoring w/ niques head) (Ninjette attacks camo with her uber ninja stealth while r00t takes camo's password and deletes his pr0n) (Nique comes back with sandwich for JaJa) JaJa: JAjaAJaJAAJaJAajAJajAJ AJ aj AJ aJJAJA AjaAJ aj AJAJAA JA JAaj AJJA ja JAJaj HACK HACK HCAHCKA JAJAja JAJAJA ajAJA Phyrewyre: 'Thanks' Nique: OK viewers and audience members we are going to play a game. Its called 'Hack The Planet Seven Point OoooHHH' (Odin maxxes out into audience and picks up a couple of 8 yr old girls....surprise surprise) (Odin and Dober Hun start max tripp0r gein and start getting naked infront of little kiddies) {Broadcasting goes dead and cops come in to arrest odin. odin spends his following weeks in county jail where he gets his colon cleaned by big 400 pound mexicanos.} {TV Feed Re-Activates with the audience gone and FBI agents sitting in their place.} Nique: Ahhhhh sorry for that kids...but seeing we have censorship now...we'll skip right to the end of the show.....Kris Kross will be in this mofo after the ad breaks..... „„„„ µµµµ / ò¸ó\ _____________________________ /ò¸ó \ \ . / |\___________________________ /| \ , / i i | | y0 YO Y0 | | i i .'ŻŻ\/ŻŻ'. | | W3RD FR0M KR15 KROS5 | | .'ŻŻ\/ŻŻ'. | \____/ | | | JUMP..JuMP | | | \____/ | \___/____/ | | W3 OWND j00 1n '91 | | \___\____/ l"" | | | &ND WE STILL DEW | | l ""| Ħ=======Ħ | | | | |=======J Ħ___ ___Ħ | | P4CKE7 f00!!! | | !___ ___! Ħ|X| |X|Ħ |/ ŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻ \| !|X| |X|! ĦŻŻŻ!ŻŻŻĦ ŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻŻ !ŻŻŻĦŻŻŻ! Ħ ! Ħ REPRESENTIN' b0g ! Ħ ! Ħ __! __Ħ !__ Ħ__ ! Ħ/__\/__\ /__\/__\! (ADS) (RE-ENTER SHOW W/ "kris kross will make ya.....jump jump" playing the background) Nique: HEY KIDS WE'RE BACK WITH KRIS KROSS THE 1991 RAPPERS OF YOUNG. What's up my homies..... \|/ (Kris Starts Freestylin') Kris: This is the daddy mack right here straight serve.... Nique: Oh really? Kris: ....Oh i thought you knew this is the mack daddy, macking hoes 24 to the 7..... Nique: mmmmmm Kris: ....Whats my name? whats your name, im that playa kris taylor..... Nique: ya'll look young. Kris: ....oh we look too young? why don't you tell them silly freaks how your off. Kross: I say im 17 now but will you treat me like im 21 i say i know things in the game that aint never been done from macking girls that were twice my age... Kris: Uh-huh Kross: ...Getting twice the play... Kris: Uh-huh Kross: Then i owe that nigger on a day to day basis, relaxing with the finest girls in the world, staying out late and coming home in the earl, now who woulda thought the m-a-c would come so clean i keep a girl from the cover of a magazine, for show for sight the type of girl ya like... Nique: Oh yah like i believe you boy ya shot but you missed, now what up with your homie mack daddy kris. Kris: I say im 16 now but will you treat me like im 21 go on around the world meeting girls having fun, and in the last 4 years of my life is like a dream, new experiences and things that you couldn't believe. Nique: I really don't know about you boys, to me y'all both seem kinda homo, wearing those baggy pants backwards and all, I think i'd rather have my triad camo. (Camo jumps in air w00-ing and teevee show ends) d8888 .d888 888 88888888888 888 d88888 d88P" 888 888 888 d88P888 888 888 888 888 d88P 888 888888 888888 8888b. 888 88888b. .d88b. d88P 888 888 888 "88b 888 888 "88b d8P Y8b d88P 888 888 888 .d888888 888 888 888 88888888 d8888888888 888 Y88b. 888 888 888 888 888 Y8b. d88P 888 888 "Y888 "Y888888 888 888 888 "Y8888 .d8888b. 888 888 .d88888b. 888 888 d88P Y88b 888 888 d88P" "Y88b 888 o 888 Y88b. 888 888 888 888 888 d8b 888 "Y888b. 8888888888 888 888 888 d888b 888 "Y88b. 888 888 888 888 888d88888b888 "888 888 888 888 888 88888P Y88888 Y88b d88P 888 888 Y88b. .d88P 8888P Y8888 " Y8888P" 888 888 "Y88888P" 888P Y888 (Producer's b0iler and xhaze confront the little bitchez and challenge them to a freestyle) xhaze: its eks-haze with his mate b0iler, the back slasher, head smasher, cop bashing f00 came here to challenge j00 kidz who can't even tie their own shoe, to a fast rapping pace beating, uber freestylin war b0iler: thatz right beetch, we be rapping bout hoe using, drug abusing topics and more, we'll own you so damn right, beat you so bad we'll turn y0 black ass white. (BOOM EKS AND b0ils START TO BEAT THAT SHIT) xhaze: Special-K waz the way on the clubbing scene, dealing weed dealin speed it was one in the same. We slapped them bitchez and hit them bitchez from behind all niiight, me favourite a tweaked out 18yr old hunni tiiight, loved that shit, wanted that shit, buzzed on my shit riiight. mixed up M-D-A, cocaine and oh yeah PE_YO_TE, she <3ed when i called her a slut bitch and whore, twas a fucking good night filled with max trip0r... b0iler: xhaze is buggin.. from the cops we are runnin. Time to go clubbin, all night long. Everythings going great, it's a quarter to 8, when dumbass accedently dropped the bong ;( What was I to do, we had no glue. I said "Fuckit lets just eat this shit" When out of nowhere comes camo, packing a cone. Takin a toke my god the smoke was as white as a bone. in my desper-ation, I needed inhal-ation. So I reached out for the piece. Little did I know homies life would soon cease, as sirens sounded and lights befounded twas the motherfuckin police. With one pull of the trigger, my nigger haze got hit, all he replied was camo's shit was legit%@#%# (Kris Kross try to follow the leet eks and boiler's style.) Kris: im a mack and i......get girls in the sack Kross: them babes fucked me like a bee to honey xhaze: come on you boi's don't lie, all your've seen is your sister through spy Kross: we be freshing that shit im sure you are wrong Kris: what is that thing that you called a bong? b0iler: fuck up kiddiez its time for your bed, as i look at my clock its 7 something, you better run home or your mummy's will ring^$@# (Kris Kross run home crying) ooooooooooooo oooo 8' 888 `8 `888 888 888 .oo. .ooooo. 888 888P"Y88b d88' `88b 888 888 888 888ooo888 888 888 888 888 .o o888o o888o o888o `Y8bod8P' oooooooooooo ooooo ooo oooooooooo. `888' `8 `888b. `8' `888' `Y8b 888 8 `88b. 8 888 888 888oooo8 8 `88b. 8 888 888 888 " 8 `88b.8 888 888 888 o 8 `888 888 d88' o888ooooood8 o8o `8 o888bood8P' b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! News of the Bizarre 1 - When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, CA, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked. 2 - Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.' 3 - The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 4 - Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car. 5 - An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish. 6 - A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck. 7 - In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol. 8 - A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago return! ed with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead. 9 - One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing. 10 - After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar,a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 4:. - [ Crypto For Newbies ] [b0iler] :. ] [http://b0iler.advknowledge.net] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ #!/usr/bin/perl # this will screw up all the perl, encoding, tables, charts, and encryption.. # so go ahead and do it :D $text[0] =~ s/newbies/bogsters/ig; @text =~ tr/aeiloz/431102/; Written for b0g... since most b0g readers and idlers in #b0g have no clue what they are doing I wrote up a little tutorial to help you with the basics of common encoding and encryption techniques. I promise this paper isn't that boring and you actually run across this stuff if you plan to 'hack the planet!@#'. Table of contents -Intro -Uuencode -Base64 -Rot-13 -XOR -DES (section including how to use JTR) -Conclusion [Intro] Alright, I know you have read some crypto tutorial on the web before and you probably got confused at the first site of "cipher". In this tutorial I will not describe very in depth of how the crypto works, but I will go over the very basics and introduce you to the different types of common encryptions and encoding schemes used on the net. I will go over how to encrypt and decrypt each of them so this tutorial should be a walk in the park. I've added a section on JTR, it is not very detailed.. but nether is the rest of this tutorial. It should be enough to get you going with JTR and crack a few password files. There are a few basic encoding methods used. I say encoding because they are just other ways of presenting data, unlike encryption they do not try to keep the message secret. Anyone can decode them without knowing the key, all they need to know is which program to use to decode it, or how to arrange the letters. Three very basic forms of encoding are uuencode (.uue) base64 (.b64) and rot13 (doesn't have a file extension as far as I know) All of these encoding methods are really simple to understand and decode. I'll also go over XOR and DES, which are true forms of encryption. [Uuencode] uuencode stands for unix to unix encoding also called uue, it was once only for unix systems, but now can be used on almost all operating systems. What uuencode does is convert the file (picture, text, program, etc..) bit-stream into 7-bit ascii. This makes it possible for times when you cannot transfer binary files, you can encode them in ascii and transfer them. uuencode is often used in emails and most email clients can handle uuencode. You can encode a file into uuencode by going to a *nix command prompt, if you don't have *nix get a shell account, and use the command 'uuencode file.txt file.uue' if file.txt is the file you want encoded and it will become encoded into a file created called file.uue. Here is a trick if you only want the output on the screen, instead of being saved in a file, use /dev/stdout as the output: 'uuencode file.txt /dev/stdout'. Also to be noted that when you uuencode a file it is increased in size by around 42%. On a couple systems (both older mandrake) I had problems with the output file, it was not created. Instead mandrake seems to send the output to /dev/stdout (your screen) every time and not to the file you specify as the output. You could set the stdout to any file you want and then run uuencode and it would work. With every other system I've used worked as normal. To decode uuencode you use the 'uudecode' command with 'uudecode -o file.txt file.uue' this will decode file.uue and send the output to file.txt. Another simple way to decode uuencode is to use a program most ever windows user has, winzip. Simply name the uuencoded file: file.uue and open it in winzip and follow the instructions on decoding it (press next, next, next... not that hard). So how can you tell if something is encoded in uue? First check if it has an extension, if it is .uue then it is uuencoded. If the file doesn't have an extension or is just text it should be like this: begin 644 blah.txt M=&AIRun->calc.exe then click view and select scientific. Enter in a number, select the 'bin' (binary) button and then press 'xor', go back to 'dec' (decimal) and enter in a second number (also known as the mask), press 'bin' again and then press '='. It should be something like this: 170 change to binary you can see it is: 10101010 xor 255 change to binary you can see it is: 11111111 = 1010101 change to decimal: 85 Now, if you followed along above you will know that it checks the binary values against each other. I'll do it by hand so you can see how it works. 10101010 11111111 -------- 01010101 if you still don't see it, let me explain: 1 1 - they are the same, so xor returns 0 0 1 - they are different, so xor returns 1 1 1 - they are the same, so xor returns 0 0 1 - they are different, so xor returns 1 1 1 - they are the same, so xor returns 0 0 1 - they are different, so xor returns 1 1 1 - they are the same, so xor returns 0 0 1 - they are different, so xor returns 1 Now here is a perl script for an XOR encryptor/decryptor: --- script kiddies grep for 'cut here' --- #!/usr/bin/perl # Get Otp here: http://www3.marketrends.net/encrypt/download/Babel_Otp_Rot13.tar # # encrypt/decrypt xor # use Otp; $xor = new Otp; print 'type e for encrypt, anything else for decrypt:'; chomp($todo = ); if ($todo eq 'e'){ print 'type in the string you want encrypted:'; $orignal = ; print 'type in the key you want to use:'; $key = ; $encrypted = $xor->Otp($orignal,"$key"); } else{ print 'type in the string you want decrypted:'; $encrypted = ; print 'type in the key to decrypt the string:'; $key = ; $orignal = $xor->Otp($encrypted,"$key"); } print "The original string is: $orignal\n"; print "The encrypted string is: $encrypted\n"; exit; ---script kiddies cannot bother looking at tthe code, so 'stop cutting here'--- If you don't know the mask of xor you can brute force it with a program called Vcrack (Unix version here) Although it will have to be a pretty weak password for this to work in a reasonable amount of time. (don't expect it to crack keys and strings longer than 10 characters). [DES] DES stands for Data Encryption Standard, it is a very commonly used encryption method. So common infact that it is used on nearly very *nix machine to encrypt the password. DES unlike most of the above cannot be easily decrypted by moving bits or performing a simple command. There is no reasonable way of decrypting DES, instead you have to rely on "brute forcing" the password. What brute forcing means is trying different passwords until you get the right one, this might be 100 guesses, it might be 100,000,000. It depends on how good the password the user picked is. Now this is pretty interesting.. when IBM originally created DES they used a 128bit key, but when NSA (National Security Agency) made it standard they lowered it to 56bits. This made the encryption much weaker. Some people (cough*everyone*cough) think that they made it weaker because with 128bit they would not be able to brute force it. Also, it has been reported that the government has tried to stop research and documentation on more advanced ciphers. Since brute forcers usually try all the combinations of letters first it is always smart to add in a number or two for your passwords. Using both upper and lower case letters can also help, as well as adding a special character such as: &) Now I won't explain how DES works in detail but the basics are that it takes a message and breaks it into 64 bits groups and takes a key that is 56 bits (actually 64 bits, but every 8th bit is ignored). DES is a block cipher, what that means is it takes plaintext and groups it into a fixed length (64-bits) and then does it's encryption algorithm. A seed is kind of the key to the whole thing, when you encrypt des you get the seed as the first two characters in the encrypted data. Run the following script and check the first two characters of your encrypted password with your chosen seed. To encrypt DES you can use this perl script: --- script kiddies grep for 'cut here' --- #!/usr/local/bin/perl # # script to encrypt des. #to decrypt you will need to brute force it. # print 'enter in the username:'; chomp($username = ); $password = 1234567890; while((length($password)) > 8){ print 'enter in the password (8 or less characters):'; #remember it is a block cipher of 64 bits (8 bytes) chomp($password = ); } $seed = 'not_two'; while ((length($seed)) != 2){ print 'enter in the seed (2 characters):'; #seeds must be 2 characters chomp($seed = ); } $encrypted = crypt($password, $seed); print "your username:password is:\n\n"; print "$username:$encrypted"; exit; ---script kiddies cannot bother looking at tthe code, so 'stop cutting here'--- To decrypt you need to use a program that can brute force it. The hackers favorite is JTR, John The Ripper, available for both windows and *nix systems. I will go over how to use JTR to it's fullest. [Using JTR] Step one in using JTR is getting and installing jtr on your computer. Head over to http://www.openwall.com/john/ and get the version of JTR you would like. After you finish installing JTR get out the username and password you would like to crack. If you do not know what the username and password looks like or do not have a username and password to crack just use b0iler for the username and YyBWL06.zBiZE for the encrypted password. Now to create the file that JTR will crack, put the username and password in this format b0iler:YyBWL06.zBiZE so it's username:password if you are trying to crack a *nix password file (/etc/shadow) you can leave it in it's current format. You can also put multiple username and passwords in like b0iler:YyBWL06.zBiZE:0:0:owns:/home/b0iler:/bin/bash root:Yym34X1Wq86GI:0:0:pansy:/dev/null:/bin/sh cyrus:YySNBbemZw8pI:9999:10:obese:/slim/fast:/bin/hamburger All you really need is the username:password, but since the *nix password file contains more info on users you can just leave them in (it will make no difference to JTR). Here is a tip, if you do not care which user's password you crack just run them all. If you want root then take out the rest, save them in a different file just incase. Save the file in the same directory as JTR, you can name it anything (ex. pass1.txt). Now go to a command prompt, *nix users will know how.. windows users start->programs->MS-DOS prompt->type in: cd c:\unzipped\john-16w (or whatever dir it is in) then cd john-16 (or whatever dir) and finally cd run. This is the directory where you should have saved your password file you wish to crack. Now run jtr by issuing john -single pass1.txt or use whatever you named your password file. What this does is do a very basic brute force attack on the password. The -single attack is a very quick and basic attack which tries to break weak passwords. If this does not work, or if you know that the users pick strong passwords I would move onto using JTR's ability to use wordlist (otherwise known as dictionary) attacks. What this does is allows you to use a file called a wordlist in JTR's attack. JTR will try every string of characters in the wordlist file and see if any are the passwords. To use a wordlist issue this command john -w:wordlist.txt pass1.txt you can get a wordlist at http://wordlist.sourceforge.net/ I would recommend a wordlist around 3mb, it will crack most standard passwords people pick. Now you can add rules to JTR to make it work extremely fast, but for this you need to know a little about the password. Like if it uses numbers or only letters, if it is a certain number of characters long, etc.. Most of the time you have no clue, so telling newbies about rules is mostly pointless and will just be confusing. Just stick with the standard ways unless you know some info on the passwords. If you know that the password is 7 characters then by all means please tell JTR that! It will allow JTR to only try combinations of 7 characters so it will crack the pass ALOT faster. But as I said, it is rare that you know anything about the passwords like this :/ The last method you should try is incremental, this attack tries every possible combination of characters until it gets it. This means it could take a long long time for JTR to crack it.. but it will crack it. To do an incremental attack issue this command john -i:all pass1.txt This will go through every possible character, number, and special character until it gets it. If you don't think the users use special characters use john -i:lanman pass1.txt This will try characters, numbers .. but just a few special characters. Now there are other more advanced ways to use JTR, some are very cool and can save you a lot of time, such as the ability to use multiple computers on the same password. This splits up the time it takes by a lot. Lets say you use your schools computer lab for a night. If it has 20 computers you are almost garenteed that one of them will crack it =) Also editing the configuration file: john.ini will allow you more customization. Since this is more advanced and not done by normal JTR users I will let the ones who wish to learn about it visit Monkee's Advanced JTR Tutorial. Now let JTR run for A LONG TIME, don't email me asking why it is taking over 12 hours to crack a password. JTR has to brute force it.. this takes lots of time. Don't be surprised to spend a long time waiting for it to crack. When I say long, I mean L O N G. If you think 12 hours is long I will just laugh at you. While JTR is running you can check it's status by pressing enter. This will display where it is at, how fast it is going, and other info you might find amusing. Once it's done check the default cracked password file: john.pot .. with any luck you'll get the password and be home free. JTR can also be used to brute force other forms of encryption.. although I've had problems in the past trying to use JTR to crack other cryptos. [Conclusion] Well, that's all a newbie would need to know about crypto to get into it. Encoding, decoding, detecting the type of crypto used.. that's all you need to know to break the basic types of crypto widely used. If you wish to get more into crypto you will need to understand how the algorithms of the encryption work, for this you will need to be above average in math and be very deticated to it. If you are interested in learning about more advanced crypto I have heard for many, many people that the book "Applied Cryptography" is the best book ever written for learning cryptography. A few other encryption methods you might want to look into include PGP, ssl, twofish, blowfish, tripleDES, and steganography. Most of the stuff I covered I learned from reading, some from experimenting, and a little bit is just my opinion or take on things. I coded all the scripts and don't care if you distribute them under your name or whatever since they took me a total of like 12 minutes to do. I didn't even use any leetspeak in this article :D About The Author Written by b0iler http://b0iler.advknowledge.net - lots of 0day hacking tutorials With thanks to: monkee - very smart guy. litewait -- I can't find your tutorial anymore ;/ Cyrus - www.cyruslabs.com l8nite - better at crypto than I am. " bob bob bob.. can't you see.. Sometimes your articles ejaculate me.. And I just love your goatsex shit.. All the lamers agree that you got nice tits. -funk master b0iler and the furious alt+F4 " b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! Recently a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The question asked was," Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. - In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant. - In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage' meant. - In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant. - In South America they did not know what 'please' meant. - And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 5:. - [ how to create a cheap gravity bong ] [ford perfect] :. ] [fprefect@mechpilot.com] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Supplies: Aquarium vacuum - $4.99 Tin foil - cheap 2 dope fiends - free Notes: if you don’t know what a aquarium vacuum is it is a long tube with a large cylinder at the end used to clean out fish tanks using the whole syphon technique. You can find these in any pet supply place. Procedure: First, take some tin foil and make a bowl with it large enough to cover the open end of the cylinder. Poke a number of holes in the foil and place it in the open end of the cylinder. Insert weed. Have one fiend hold the cylinder and sit on the floor [or anywhere lower than the toker]. You should know what to do from here. Warning: Be careful, a lot of smoke WILL enter your lungs. The first time I hit one of these I puked. Shouts: ph0nejack, madman, kasper, cindy. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! , ', . | ' ', , , . , ', ' _ ,. -, ' ,' , ', ', ', ', ,' ,' '-,_ .' ` ' ' ' ,' ' ' , ' _,.'` '-._. , ' ,'' ' '-. ,._ --,._ ' , ' ' ,_ . `' , , ' ._ ,' `' .--, _,., @ , . ' - '-.,_ ` '-, , | @ ' ' ' _,' ` '_,.- ,'-., '` ' ' ._| |'-. _ _________ . ` | ,_,___| | | |' ' . '. | ,'___|___ |__| . . ` '-. | | | | . ' ' ___ '-. __|___|__ ,' , ', .' '. ,-------'` `''` b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 6:. - [ being leet with BitchX ] [herk] :. ] [herk@chimp.ca] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Brought to j00 by: herk >> herk@chimp.ca >> http://chimptrix.chimp.ca And EFnet's #fnordia / #hfx / #whiterabbit Hail to the chimp! Everybody knows that all truly l33t IRC'ers use BitchX, and you can too! But surprisingly few BitchX users actually know what the hell they're doing, the elite version reply is all they seek. Today we learn to mold BitchX (henceforth abbreviated bx) into a functional irc client, and ultimately you won't even miss mIRC anymore. These bx'isms hold true for BitchX-1.0c18 run on Debian GNU Linux with a 2.4.4 kernel. Most will hold for past and future versions of bx run on various other operating systems as well, but no guarantees. ########################################################### Gibbor me that l33t * me is away: (hax0ring) [BX-MsgLog On] ########################################################### First up, we've gotta have that phat /away system. By default, send_away_msg is off, so your /away's and /back's will show up on your screen but not on anyone else's. To start sending your away info publicly: /set send_away_msg on /save You now have a fully functional away system with logging and away times and a msg that gets sent to every damn channel you're on. Note that when changing bx settings you almost always have to /save, otherwise you'll lose whatever you've done as soon as you shutdown your client. Away info sometimes annoys channel operators, so use it wisely. If you'd prefer not to broadcast your whereabouts: /set send_away_msg off Then again, no channel op in his or her right mind would dare mess with an authentic BitchX user. You'll probably soon notice bx auto-away kicking in, by default after 10 minutes. This can be really annoying, both to you and to others. Shut it off with: /toggle auto_aw ############################################### I can't stand so many channels! I need windows! ############################################### Not a problem my good man. (or woman, which would be ubercool.) bx gives us the power to create windows within a text only client. /window new double on hide You just created yourself a second window. Changing windows within bx can usually be done with ALT + [1-9]. Your default window is obviously ALT + 1. The window we just created is ALT + 2. If you run the command again, making a third window, you can get to it with ALT + 3. Some terminals screw this up, and problems arise in other areas when the ALT key is bound to do something else. (ie. in WindowMaker) In cases where you find ALT + number not working, you can usually substitute ESC + number. To get rid of a window: /window kill You can do alot more with the /window command, and only an idiot wouldn't take 5 seconds to learn how to properly alias commands. (/window new double on hide is a bitch to type every time you log on) The following are a few quick /window aliases stolen from cypress, a bx script: # something we need for the rest of these aliases alias channame if (left(1 $0)==[#]) {return $0} {return #$0} # create a new window alias wc {window new hide_others double on split on} # create a new window and join a channel in it alias wj if ([$0]) {wc;^window bind $channame($0);join $0-} {echo Usage: /wj } # kill this window alias wk {window kill} # kill this window and part the current channel alias wlk {part $C;wk} # take me to the next window alias wn {window next} # take me to the previous window alias wp {window previous} These aliases aren't really intended to be entered while in bx. It's much more efficient to include them in a small script, which you'll learn how to do in just a second. These aliases provide some basic window control, but there's alot more you can do. Read the documentation, or get yourself a script with a decent window module. (I'll speak briefly on scripts near the end of this article) bx has a few other window features worth mentioning. Firstly you can bind multiple channels to one window. By that I mean /join all your hax0r channels in your main window, create another, /join all your warez channels, create another, /join all the channels you only idle in for a leet /whois reply and really don't give a damn about who's talking in them, etc. This let's you keep things a little more organized, and you should of course know that Ctrl+x is used to switch the channel you're speaking to in any given window. Secondly, you can log on to multiple irc servers/networks within one bx session. Create yourself a new window and do: /server +irc.whatever.org Instantly you're on another server where you can join channels and go about your business the same as on your original server in your other windows. This can get screwy when a server cuts you off, and sometimes it just breaks. Test it out and see how it performs for you. ####################################################### I can't type this shit in every fucking time asshole!!! ####################################################### This somewhat leads us into our next topic, scripts. A script is nothing more than a collection of regular bitchx commands saved into a plain ASCII text file. These commands get executed when you load the filename: /load filename /save's won't keep your aliases, so you need to put these and various other things into a script to save yourself carpal tunnel down the road. Whenever you start bx it looks for a default script in your home directory named .bitchxrc. This is a good place to put your aliases, or of you store them in another file, load it from within this one. ie: 1. Open ~/.bitchxrc in your favorite text editor. 2. Add the line: load filenameyouputyouraliasesin 3. Restart bx. It's just that simple. And you can put any other commands here you with, each on a separate line. A leading / isn't required, although it probably won't hurt anything. ############### Kicking l4m3rz. ############### Builtin commands for this are pretty straightforward. To kick someone with an optional reason: /k [reason] If you don't specify a reason, you'll end up with a default random one from a file somewhere on your system. I however strongly recommend you make a text file containing your own kick messages in: ~/.BitchX/BitchX.reasons The default file on my system is in: /usr/local/lib/bx/BitchX.reasons You'll probably find a few other files in this directory, which you can easily replace by placing a file of the same name in your ~/.BitchX directory. BitchX.quit is another file worth making for yourself. Anyhow, back to the harassing of lamers, /kb works just like /k, only with a ban. That's enough for now. ############################## Private Cybersex0ring Sessions ############################## Ok pervert, this'll start sounding scary and then get better. To send a private message in bx: /msg Wake up, Neo... Looks annoying I know. However as soon as you do this, or as soon as someone sends a message to you, their nick is available in the TAB list. Clear the input prompt (sekret UNIX hax0r hint: CTRL + u) and start pressing TAB. bx will cycle through the last nicks you talked to, doing all the nasty typing for you. This can still get a little confusing, so in a final use for the /window command, create yourself a new window and type: /query nickname Now you need not press TAB or type anything before your message. This works similar to your query windows in mIRC. DCC chat's a similar, /dcc chat nickname to initiate, and then: /msg =nickname hey bitch to send a message through. Again, once this gets underway bx will take care of that for you, or you can /query =nickname in a separate window to not have to type anything. ################################# I've Got Friends, Let Me Auto-Op! ################################# Auto-opping is often dangerous, but in this age of static ip cable connections and various shell accounts it can be very useful. To add someone to your userlist: /adduser [password] Note that the password isn't a necessary attribute. Most people don't bother with them anyhow since we're only doing this for auto-ops. To further simplify this: /adduser *!herk@nerd.ca * friend,dcc,i_ops To anyone irc'ing from herk@nerd.ca a bunch of friendly stuff, auto-accept dcc's, and auto-ops. (i_ops) There are other flags you can give, and several options for shitlisting people you hate. I don't use these much as eggdrop's are a more common solution. But should you be so inclined: /bhelp adduser /bhelp userlevels /bhelp addshit /bhelp unuser ################################## * I'm to lame to read BitchX.doc * ################################## Not anymore. You can change this lame ircname in for a much cooler one with: /ircname I READ BITCHX.doc This only takes effect on your next server connect. Save yourself some trouble and once again, put it into your .bitchxrc. Or if you'd like to be a bash hax0r, you can edit your .bashrc or .bash_profile, adding the line: export IRCNAME="my ph4t n3w ircn4me." Other shells will of course have similar options. ######################################## Someone keeps stealing my nickname... =/ ######################################## A handy bx feature is the orignick command: /orignick herk Will check for my nickname every 5 seconds (I think) and immediately grab it once it become available. I personally set a hook to start orignick every time I connect to a server with the following line in my ~/.bitchxrc: on connect * orignick herk ######### Detaching ######### This is an insanely useful feature for anyone using bx remotely. Detach allows you to cut away from your bx session and leave it running in the background, your client remains on irc, behaving exactly as it normally would. You can log off the account you're using and go about your business. When you decide to return, you can log back into the account and reattach to your session, just as you left it. To detach from within bx: /detach To reattach from the command prompt: (bash, tcsh, etc.) scr-bx All this is made possible by the massive portion of the GNU screen source code included within bx. It can however be a little buggy at times, so if you find it breaking alot take a few minutes to get to learn GNU screen, a more reliable and potent program which does exactly this and much more. ###################### That's nice, now what? ###################### Well bx has lots of things you can play with. For instance: /toggle /set /fset The list goes on. Explore, experiment, remember to /save, and put everything else in ~/.bitchxrc. bx is supposedly coded to run fine without a script. However I and many others prefer to run a script regardless, and that's ok. bx scripts are readily available at: http://scripts.bitchx.com http://irc.themes.org Personally I highly recommend cypress, for it's ability to specify channels NOT to send your away info too, a nice /config command, and great formats/themes. In conclusion, I don't even use BitchX anymore. It's bloated and buggy, and slow when you're hardware deprived. If BitchX bores you, look into Epic (http://www.epicsol.org) with a good script. (like lice, http://lice.codehack.com) That's all folks! Props to Chimp Productions: magoo / berns / SMuRFY / sz / and yes, even Gary. h t t p : / / w w w . c h i m p . c a -- we don't want no scrubs -- b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! I was a little girl, I had this little thing, when I'd go to bed i'd stick my finger in, now that i'm much older, my finger has lost it's charm, now it takes five fingers, and half my fuckin' arm. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! ____________________________________________________________________ [ 7:. - [ Hacking Techniques: bouncing the attack ] [b0iler] :. ] [b0iler@b0g.org] :. ] ____________________________________________________________________ Intro Bouncing Attacks -proxies -wingates -shells Conclusion -Intro- Welcome to the 2nd issue of Hacking Techniques. If you read the first one I am glad to see you liked it enough to want to read this one. This issue will focus on how hackers bounce their attacks so that they do not get caught and so they use the power of a *nix shell. As with the first one this tutorial can both be used by hackers and admins. Hackers will learn how to mount an attack and use proxies to help stay anonymous. Admins will learn how to prevent themselves from being used in an attack as a proxy and prevent stress. If you don't know what a proxy is or how to use a wingate you need to read this tutorial. People who run wingates, proxies, or give shells out also should go over this tutorial as to scare them into securing it. I'll go over a few other random things such as using routers as wingates, and using wingates to bounce your irc sessions. -Bouncing Attacks- There are a few ways to bounce your attack. Sometimes it depends on how you are gonna to do the attack, sometimes it depends on what you got on hand. I will introduce you to 3 ways to bounce you attack. I will not go into using routers as proxies since wingates are fairly easy to get. And I will not go over bouncing your attack off an ftp because all (or very close to all) ftp programs are patched to this by now. Not only should hackers read this next part, but so should admins who want to keep themselves from being used in an attack. Securing their proxies and wingates can help prevent trouble with hackers abusing it. This can save some time and hassle because you will not need to bother with an admin who trying to track down a hacker who used your network to bounce off of. * Bouncing through proxies * Bouncing through wingates * Bouncing with shells Bouncing through proxies Proxies are the most basic way to stay anonymous while on the web. They are used with your web browser to rely data that you are downloading. So when you send data to get a webpage it is first sent to the proxy and then to the webpage. like this: [your computer] -> [proxy] -> [website] Some kinds of proxies, known as cache'ing proxies, will hold local copies of websites people visit. This makes browsing much faster since ideally the connection between you and the proxy is very fast. So instead of having to query the website the proxy will just send out the saved (cache'd) copy and save time and resources. Although this can be a problem as I have had first hand experience with this. When running lame industries we put a script up that allowed people to check out other users email addresses, image, website, names, country, etc.. all info was optional. But the script would check if you were an admin of lame industries and if you were it would display users passwords, cookies, allow you to change the status of users. Now somehow a nice fellow named MaAaX found a cache'ing proxy that had this page cached. Not only was it cache'd.. but it was the admin version cache'd. Some admin of the site must have used that proxy to visit that script, so the proxy saved what he saw. And MaAaX reported this, but he was tricked into reporting it to someone who was not an admin of the site. That person then used the proxy to get an admin's password from the cache'd page. Moral of the story? Don't leave sensitive info out for everyone to see, I would suggest not using a proxy when admining a site through and also to put all scripts which can be used by an admin in a .htaccess protected directory. Proxies are very easy to find and very easy to use. To find them try using a program called Proxy Hunter [ http://go8.163.com/windzh/indexe.htm ] what this program will do is it will scan large ranges of ips for open proxies. Then it will report them to you so you can try them and see if they require a username and password or if you can use them without. Another way is to look on the web for lists of proxies, a few good sites for this are: * cyberarmy's proxy list - ttp://www.cyberarmy.com/lists/proxy/index.shtml * roswell's proxy list - http://tools.rosinstrument.com/proxy/ Don't expect proxies to stay up forever, if one goes down try another. It is fairly simple to set up basic security for your proxy server, get a good access list restricting who can use it. Also, as with all programs, check for known security vulnerabilities in the proxy server itself, and vulnerabilities in your firewall, which you set the access list for the proxy server. To use proxies you need to set up your browser to bounce off of them. In internet explorer this is done by going to Tools->Internet Options...-> Connections->(highlighting your connection)->Settings...->check "Use a proxy server for this connection"->file in the ip or hostname and the port number then press ok, and ok. To set up Netscape to use a proxy select edit->preferences->advanced->proxies ->"Manual proxy configuration" then fill in the hostname or ip and the port number. In lynx (or Mosaic) you would do this at the command line: http_proxy="http://proxy.com:80/"; export http_proxy; exec lynx or exec Mosaic. Now to validate that the proxy is working go to a site which displays server environment variables from a perl/php script. One such site is http://www.cyberarmy.com/cgi/whoami.pl One proxy is good for everyday surfing, but what if you are up to alittle more than just that? (I see that smile on your face) You need to use a technique called chaining proxies. What happends is you rely the data transfer from one proxy, to another, to another, to another ... until it reaches the destination. It is fairly simple to do this, but some proxies don't support it. Other problems include one proxy is slow it makes the connection timeout, too many proxies that the connection times out, and it takes awhile to find 4 or 5 good proxies. This should work in almost every browser, put the proxies in the address bar in this format: http://proxy1.com:80/http://proxy2.com:80/http://proxy3.com:8000/http://site.com this should connect you to site.com using those 3 proxies and the one you put in your configuration (options, preferences.. what we just did above). I've also heard that using http://proxy.com;80-_-http://site.com works, but from my experience it tends to be less supported by proxy servers. Of course if you are having problems getting this to work it may be that the proxy doesn't allow chaining. Now when I say proxies can be used to bounce a connection to a webpage - I mean webpage. You cannot use a normal http proxy on anything besides port 80 (the http port.. for webpages). If you want to bounce connections on other ports try a wingate. So what if you are using an exploit to mount an attack and you are too lazy to use wingates to connect to your shell? You can use something like rain.forrest.puppy's libwhisker, which makes it extremely easy to add proxy support to perl scripts. You can get libwhisker at: http://www.wiretrip.net/rfp/bins/libwhisker/pr4/libwhisker.pm I haven't really looked for a C/C++ version of something like this, since it's just as simple to connect to a shell. One last thing I will go over for proxies is chaining them together, hackers use this so they have more cover when hacking into a script avalible over port 80. To do this you can put proxy1-_-proxy2-_-proxy3-_- before the url, or you can use a program called MultiProxy [ www.multiproxy.org ] to chain anonymous proxies together. What is an anonymous proxy? It is a proxy that will not forward information about you. The main peice of information hackers want to keep secret is their IP address, when a proxy forwards this to a computer it is known as the X-Forward-For. It is a header in the packet which tells the target what computer the proxy is going to send the info to (the hackers IP). Anonymous proxies will leave the REMOTE_ADDR, HTTP_X_FORWARDED_FOR or HTTP_VIA headers blank so that the target has no idea where the attack is comming from. You can check if a proxy is anonymous at http://www.cyberarmy.com/cgi/whoami.pl -Bouncing through wingates- Wingates are a type of proxy that allow you to make a telnet connection. They are intended to be used to allow computers to access the internet through another one, but since many types of wingates allow anyone to connect without a password this can be exploited by hackers and other people to be used to bounce their connection off of. Here is how this works: [hacker's computer] -> [wingate] -> [destination] This snazzy ascii shows how your data will go through a wingate and then to it's destination. So the destination sees it as if the data is coming from the wingate. If you can't see how hackers can use this to their advantage let me explain... Hackers want to keep their ip hidden, they don't want their target to know where they are coming from. This is both so they cannot block the attack as easy and so they do not get in trouble if they do get caught. Using a wingate means that the target doesn't see the hackers ip, it sees the wingate's ip instead. Most hackers use over 3 wingates when hacking, just to be safe. Because if an admin caught the hack attempt and contacted the admin of the wingate logs can be used to find the hackers ip. So if they bounce off of like 5 wingates that means alot more hassle for the attacked admin to go through to find the hacker and the more chance that logs will not be kept or will be deleted by one of the wingate admins. Bouncing hacking attacks off of a wingate is not the only reason a hacker would use one. They are also quite handy when going on some irc servers. The same basic concept applies, the data is bounced off the wingate and then sent to the destination (irc server). So the irc server sees the connection as coming from the wingate. This can allow hackers to get around channel bans, get around glines, hide themselves from others, create clones, etc.. Check your options in irc client to figure out how to use them. (with mirc it's known as a SOCKS 4 firewall in the options.) Since they are useful on an irc, many people on irc tend to be using wingates. This is why I ported a simple port scanner to irssi (also works with BitchX and maybe Xchat). This port scanner is edited to only look for port 23 and 1080 the most commonly used ports for wingates, 23 is telnet, 1080 is SOCKS. What it does is collects people's ips when they enter a channel and then when you issue the command /scan it will check the list of ips for avalible wingates. There is also easy to use scripts for mirc that do this, a search on google for mirc wingate scanner produced many links. You can also use tools that scan wide blocks of ips for wingates using tools like wingate scanners [ http://packetstormsecurity.org/wingate-scanner/ ]. Here is a tip: find a cable or dsl isp and scan their subnet for wingates. Many people on fast connections use wingates for their network to split their bandwidth up and since cable they have a static ip they will not change as often. So do a '/whois user' on someone who is on cable to get their ip, then check all-nettols.com (use "smartwhois") to get their isp's ip range and I scan that for wingates. Wingates tend to go up and down hourly, this is because sometimes people only need them for awhile and when someone does put one up they get alot of traffic from hackers using them to bounce off of, so instead of wasting their bandwidth they secure the wingate or take it down. Because of this you need to scan for wingates all the time. Another reason why irc works good for looking for wingates, you let other people find them for you. =) Not many hackers just use 1 wingate when hacking. This is how using 4 wingates would work (wg = wingate: [hacker] -> [wg] -> [wg] -> [wg] -> [wg] -> [destination] Using multiple wingates is required for a hacker, they will not just use one, since it would be easy to track them. But using too many can make things very slow. Anything over 4 and under 10 would be normal. So after you scan (this may take awhile, be patient) and get a few wingates how do you connect to them and use them? This is very simple, but tends to be asked all the time on message boards and chatrooms all over the place. When you telnet to a wingate you need to have it's ip or hostname and the port the wingate is running on. Normally the port is 23 or 1080. Now we can only use wingates which don't require a username and password to use. So after we get a list of them we will need to test and see which work without a login. Simply get out telnet and connect to that ip and port, wait for the connection and see if it says something like this: Wingate> If it had a login of some sort then you cannot use it. This is one way admins of wingates can protect themselves, make sure to password protect the wingate so random hackers cannot use it. Not only can hackers use your wingate, but spammers often use them as well. Having spammers send thousands of emails through your wingate is a surefire way to get your isp to cancel your account. Besides adding passwords you can also secure your wingate by only allowing computers on your LAN to access it, this is how for GateKeeper [ http://www.infopulse.net/store/index.html ] login as Administrator on GateKeeper Policies -> Default Policies -> Users can access services -> select everyone Location -> Specify locations from where this recipient has rights -> add 127.0.0.1 and 192.168.0.* (or whatever ip range your network uses). To secure Deerfield's wingate [ http://wingate.deerfield.com ] simply upgrade to 3.x home version. The home version of 3.x doesn't let anyone connect at default. It's now configured securely by default :D There are also other terminal's that will appear, it is not allways "Wingate>". It could be anything, Wingate> is just default on some. We got connected, now to use the wingate. Wingates by default will telnet to any ip port you enter, so try to telnet to a server you know is up: Wingate> 204.42.253.18:23 Now if you encounter an error this means something’s either wrong with the ip:port you entered, the ip:port is down, or the wingate is not working. Also try to do 'telnet ip:port' since that wingate might not telnet at default. So we got our list of wingates down to a list of working, none passworded wingate. Now to link them. Lets say we have the wingates (note, these are fake): 203.43.25.104 port 23 214.133.200.20 port 1080 180.23.56.93 port 23 194.51.107.68 port 23 To link these we would telnet into the first one: telnet 203.43.25.104 23 Sparky's server 1.03> Then enter in the ip:port of the next one on the list. Sparky's server 1.03> 214.133.200.20 1080 CDD Proxy Server> and link the rest.. CDD Proxy Server> 180.23.56.93 23 welcome to 180.23.56.93: 194.51.107.68 23 Now A hacker can telnet into a shell account from the last wingate and launch the attack, or if they know how to do some socket programming they can set up exploits to go through wingates themselves. For the next section , shells, I'll go over how a hacker can use a shell to make his attack. I have heard from a few people that routers can be used as a wingate, I myself have never done this since there is always plenty of wingates to use if you just scan for them. But.. using a router as a wingate is very interesting for a number of reasons. First, a router gets so much traffic that the admin would probably not know if it was being used to bounce an attack. Routers don't log by default, and since they get a lot of traffic not many admins log everything (or they're logs do not last too long) this means there is less of a chance of the hacker getting tracked down. Routers are pretty much always up and have a fast connection, so if you got a few routers going as wingates you wouldn't have to scan for new ones as much =) Now don't go out looking for routers just yet, before you can use a router as a wingate you need to have access to use telnet on it. Unlike wingates which can sometimes allow anyone to run telnet, routers don't. You will need to hack into the router to be able to use telnet on it to wingate from it. Of course the number of routers with default passwords (admin:admin) or simple exploits not patched is pretty high from my experience. Also to note: it might not be a good idea to telnet directly into a router as your first wingate.. if the admin does find out of your break in (and they log) you will have left your real ip. Hackers will probably use a regular wingate or two before connecting to a compromised router. Needless to say, if you admin a router make sure to keep it locked up tight, not only can hackers screw up your network, sniff passwords, redirect data, and generally cause a muck, but they can also use your router as a launching pad for their next attack. Another use for wingates is to use them to bounce a connection off of irc. Most commonly SOCKS (stands for SOCK-et-S), are used for irc, they are very simular to wingates but used mainly at a firewall to allow transparent connections through it. SOCKS usually run on port 1080. To bounce your connection to an IRC server with a wingate or SOCKS type the following in your irc client: /server win.gate.com 23 /quote irc.box.sk 6667 /quote user grendelsucks 123.123.123.123 b0iler :ban evader /quote nick b0iler2 Then use irc like normal, you will have the ip or hostname of the wingate. I believe if you use mirc you can go to File -> Options -> Connect -> Firewall and then enter in the wingate's IP and port and checking "Use SOCKS Firewall" (correct me if I am wrong). If you use Xchat try Settings -> Setup -> IRC -> Proxy Server -> Fill in IP and port and select the type as wingate. You can also use a bnc (stands for BouNCe) to rely your connection to an IRC server. Same as with proxies, if you don't want people connecting to your wingate set up a strict access list on a firewall. Also username and passwords are a good idea when it comes to wingates. -Shell Accounts- A shell account is having access to a remote computer. Users can connect to them and issue commands just like if they were at that computer's keyboard. This also means that hackers can issue commands, and they often use shell accounts as another way to bounce their attack. Usually a shell account is used along with wingates and is used by the hacker to launch the attack. Hackers will not use free shells such as nether.net or hobbiton.org because they do not have the ability to run programs they need and they cannot delete the log files with a regular user account. If they were to use one of these shells the admin could easily check the logs and see what they were upto. So hackers will use what are known as root shells, these are systems the hacker has already comprised and has root on them. This allows them to delete all necessary logs of their attack and lets them have full access to *nix tools. The key tools hackers need are raw packet support, nmap and other auditing programs, a c compiler, a perl interpreter, and exploits. These come standard on most *nix boxes, so it makes *nix very valuable to hackers. Although most will have *nix installed on their computer they might still use shells because they have faster connections, and will allow another layer of protection along with the wingates. This is an example of how a hacker would use 3 wingates with 2 shells (wg = wingate): [hacker] -> [wg] -> [wg] -> [wg] -> [shell] -> [shell] -> [target] To login to the shells a hacker can use telnet or they can use ssh [ http://www.openssh.org ], whichever they want. ssh will allow a more secure connection. A simple: telnet owned.com:5742 would allow them to get in (if they set up telnetd on port 5742). To connect with ssh is: ssh owned.com -p 5742. If your system would get comprised it too could be used as a shell for the hackers next attack. There are free shell accounts for beginner hackers to use, again, I stress that these are closely monitored and you only get a user account, so things are logged and power is limited. Don't use them to hack! What a hacker wants is a 'rootshell' which is root access. This allows the hacker total control over everything on that computer. Please don't ever, ever, ever ask anyone for a root shell, and don't ask "which free shell is the best" - because all free shells pretty much stink. Raw sockets is a big thing, access to edit logs is another. If you can edit the logs on a rootshell this means that it is all the more harder for anyone to track you. If you use a free shell or a user account on a box you cannot edit the logs and will be vulnerable to be traced. Always using a lot of wingates will help in keeping you out of trouble. Most shells you will want are on *nix boxes, so you need to learn unix commands. Also knowing what files do what will help you understand how to hide yourself and how to modify the system the way you want. Setting up linux and securing your box will help you better understand how to break in, as well as breaking into linux will help you better understand how to secure it =) To help you learn *nix here is a few really good tutorials: * http://unixhelp.ed.ac.uk - A very easy and detailed step by step guide to getting started with Unix, with examples, solution to problems, and some cool facts. * http://www.mines.utah.edu/~wmgg/ - A short and sweet Unix tutorial to help with the basic commands. * http://www.belgarath.demon.co.uk/guide/ - A very nice guide that takes things slow and uses helpful pictures to explain things. * http://www.linuxnewbie.org - A very helpful stop for anyone new to linux, it has many helpful files. * And of course the best one of all: man How can you stop hackers from using your system? Well this is a very in-depth question, because you will need to completely secure your box to stop them from gaining access to it. Read up on Unix security, firewalls, and IDS. Of course take action before the hacker gets in, secure your box... use tripwire and snort 'just incase'. One way to catch them is to install a remote logging box. This will allow you to have logs of everything they do, to do this set up any old box with inetd and syslogd and then change syslog's configuration file to have logs sent to that box. # /etc/syslog.conf file *.* @213.165.52.61 For more info on setting up a secure remote logger try loki's guide on How to set up a secure remote logger - [ http://www.linuxsecurity.com/feature_stories/remote_logserver-1.html ] One thing I would like to stress about using shells from a friends box is that they may be logging everything you do and gathering your username:passwords to your email, hacked accounts, sites, ftp, nickserv, and anything else you transfer. Same holds true for BNCs and wingates. It's a trick passed around by many hackers to put a wingate on their box and put it on a hacker website's list and wait for people to log into their hacked accounts with it. I also read somewhere that governments set up wingates to catch hackers, I don't know how true this is.. but it sure is a good way to discourage hackers. -Conclusion- In this paper of Hacking Techniques I went over how and why hackers use proxies, wingates, and shells when attacking and how admins can stop them from using their networks to bounce attacks from. I think the next issue will be much longer, it will cover many things hackers do once they comprize a system. I hope everyone learned atleast something from this issue, and I hope I didn't forget anything =) I am sorry if you felt it was hard to read this tutorial, I had a hard time writing it, it just felt like my words didn't go together right. It may be awhile till I get around to finishing issue #3, thanks for your patients. b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@!b0g!#@! DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES 1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. 3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. 4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. 5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing. 6. Sylvester Briddell, JR , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. 7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS 1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. 2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. 3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. 4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons." AND THE WINNER.... PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one